Rebirth, reincarnation, reborn, regrets

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week.  I'm actually not a big proponent of Easter festivities...at least the ones we do here seem a little strange to me.  Actually, most US religion practices are weird to me & I grew up here so I can't imagine being from another country and having to figure us out...but I digress.

Most of the reason I've been thinking this week is that I am now realizing that (for me), this year I am using this as an excuse for a 'rebirth'.

According to dictionary.com:

re·birth

   [ree-burth, ree-burth]  Show IPA

–noun

1.

a new or second birth: the rebirth of the soul.

2.

a renewed existence, activity, or growth; renaissance orrevival: the rebirth of conservatism.

So, going with this thought, today I am using as a rebirth of my life.  I have gone through the worst hell imaginable in the last year & I no longer am wanting to use this as an excuse for my actions or thoughts.  I want my thoughts to only be happy, positive and thoughtful to myself and those around me.  I also want to make sure that I don't use it as an excuse to let my life stray.

No more am I going to do this to myself.

I know I can't just snap my fingers and it'll be better or make the sadness and hurt magically disappear.  I also want to know in my heart that it will get better.  It's going to take some time and effort on my part.

I still have goals to accomplish this year and I am planning on doing them.  I know that as badly as I want to start some goals...I cannot jump in without the initiative to succeed.  That is the hardest part of any recovery is  finding the steps which you need to start to go forward....and not look back.

Coming up on an anniversary of sorrow for the first time is truly hard....I shall hope that this type of sorrow I won't have to experience again.  It'll be easier next time but the first time is always the hardest in anything we do.

On another note....one of the people I admire just posted a blog which similarly goes along with  my post.  So I shall leave you with this one:

http://epherielldesigns.com/monday-inspiration-original

Moving on...over...to the left and maybe a smidge up

So this week I've been having an enormous amount of epiphanies.  I think that these are pretty important to have every so often to keep you on your toes and grounded.

One of my epiphanies this week is how out of touch I seem to be lately...I have found that I am so scared to show everything about me for fear of seeming weak, that I am forgetting to show the important things too.  Like gratitude and happiness.

So no more, I need to quit beating myself up for being myself.  I can't change who I am, the mistakes I've made or will make as it just makes me part of me.

It saddens me that there was a time when I knew all of this but after being sucked into a black hole of ingratitude and ignorance I'm having to relearn this part of me and mine.  I will get better, but baby steps for sure.

Different

I'm Different.  Different good, different bad...doesn't really matter but I know for sure that I do not fit in any type of cookie cutter life.  I guess the hardest part is figuring out what parts belong in which cutter.  It seems as though most people have an idea of where they fit in, only have to tweak a few things, and voila! cutter.  Me?  definitely have to do a part here, shade there, stop this, start that...it's extremely frustrating.  The hardest part is dealing with my parents because I have this persona that I must display when dealing with each parent.

 I usually act more like myself around my dad, but only to a certain degree.  My happy go lucky self that's laid back, relaxed and never stressed or worried.

Then I have another person which must be displayed around my mom of cunning smartness, trying to constantly prove myself, and being the model daughter.

Alas, I'm not very good at holding up either one for very long.

I think that is one thing we all want in life is that we are accepted no matter who we are, how we act or what our beliefs are or values we hold dear.  I know for me that there are very few people who understand me or that I even get along with on a more personal level.  I'm extremely particular about who I allow into my inner circle and I don't know if that really hurts or helps.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others and should remember to revel in my uniqueness and spontaneity which drives my life, however there are some days where I would love to have the cookie cutter life.  It's much easier to be accepted in life by people around you to be cookie cutter than to be unique....which is sad in its own way.

Sorry for the debbie downer posting, but I had a rough day.

-N