Rebirth, reincarnation, reborn, regrets

I've been doing a lot of thinking this week.  I'm actually not a big proponent of Easter festivities...at least the ones we do here seem a little strange to me.  Actually, most US religion practices are weird to me & I grew up here so I can't imagine being from another country and having to figure us out...but I digress.

Most of the reason I've been thinking this week is that I am now realizing that (for me), this year I am using this as an excuse for a 'rebirth'.

According to dictionary.com:

re·birth

   [ree-burth, ree-burth]  Show IPA

–noun

1.

a new or second birth: the rebirth of the soul.

2.

a renewed existence, activity, or growth; renaissance orrevival: the rebirth of conservatism.

So, going with this thought, today I am using as a rebirth of my life.  I have gone through the worst hell imaginable in the last year & I no longer am wanting to use this as an excuse for my actions or thoughts.  I want my thoughts to only be happy, positive and thoughtful to myself and those around me.  I also want to make sure that I don't use it as an excuse to let my life stray.

No more am I going to do this to myself.

I know I can't just snap my fingers and it'll be better or make the sadness and hurt magically disappear.  I also want to know in my heart that it will get better.  It's going to take some time and effort on my part.

I still have goals to accomplish this year and I am planning on doing them.  I know that as badly as I want to start some goals...I cannot jump in without the initiative to succeed.  That is the hardest part of any recovery is  finding the steps which you need to start to go forward....and not look back.

Coming up on an anniversary of sorrow for the first time is truly hard....I shall hope that this type of sorrow I won't have to experience again.  It'll be easier next time but the first time is always the hardest in anything we do.

On another note....one of the people I admire just posted a blog which similarly goes along with  my post.  So I shall leave you with this one:

http://epherielldesigns.com/monday-inspiration-original

Moving on...over...to the left and maybe a smidge up

So this week I've been having an enormous amount of epiphanies.  I think that these are pretty important to have every so often to keep you on your toes and grounded.

One of my epiphanies this week is how out of touch I seem to be lately...I have found that I am so scared to show everything about me for fear of seeming weak, that I am forgetting to show the important things too.  Like gratitude and happiness.

So no more, I need to quit beating myself up for being myself.  I can't change who I am, the mistakes I've made or will make as it just makes me part of me.

It saddens me that there was a time when I knew all of this but after being sucked into a black hole of ingratitude and ignorance I'm having to relearn this part of me and mine.  I will get better, but baby steps for sure.

Different

I'm Different.  Different good, different bad...doesn't really matter but I know for sure that I do not fit in any type of cookie cutter life.  I guess the hardest part is figuring out what parts belong in which cutter.  It seems as though most people have an idea of where they fit in, only have to tweak a few things, and voila! cutter.  Me?  definitely have to do a part here, shade there, stop this, start that...it's extremely frustrating.  The hardest part is dealing with my parents because I have this persona that I must display when dealing with each parent.

 I usually act more like myself around my dad, but only to a certain degree.  My happy go lucky self that's laid back, relaxed and never stressed or worried.

Then I have another person which must be displayed around my mom of cunning smartness, trying to constantly prove myself, and being the model daughter.

Alas, I'm not very good at holding up either one for very long.

I think that is one thing we all want in life is that we are accepted no matter who we are, how we act or what our beliefs are or values we hold dear.  I know for me that there are very few people who understand me or that I even get along with on a more personal level.  I'm extremely particular about who I allow into my inner circle and I don't know if that really hurts or helps.

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others and should remember to revel in my uniqueness and spontaneity which drives my life, however there are some days where I would love to have the cookie cutter life.  It's much easier to be accepted in life by people around you to be cookie cutter than to be unique....which is sad in its own way.

Sorry for the debbie downer posting, but I had a rough day.

-N

This is halloween..

I love halloween.  I always have and I think part of the reason is the cool crisp air with the scent of burning wood and whispering dry leaves scuttling along the ground joining you in the merriment of the day.

The other part is the candy.  Let's not lie to ourselves.

We are fortunate to be able to dress up for halloween at work in actual costumes.  I love it!  This year I'm going as a zombie slumber party girl.  I know weird, but my theme every year is someone who's dead or about as close to dead as you can get.  I think it sets the mood and makes everything more fun.  Work can be really mundane and why not take a day to just dress up crazy and ENJOY the holiday.  Don't overthink the occassion and make it something very simple yet fun.  I'm going to wear pajamas to work, whiten my face and put my hair in pigtails.  I guess I'll add some leaves to the hair and call it good.  Simple, yet fun. :)

new career path

This weekend I signed up to start selling Avon.  I'm one of those people where as I am getting older, I'm trying to figure out different ways to make side income and as much as I would like to get a regular 2nd job, I know I will not have the time to do such.

So, I figured with going back to school in the fall, restarting my Etsy, and my regular full time job, this would be a good side project.  Not too much stress with only the amount of hours I want to put into it.

I'm a little nervous but I think that's normal for any type of new path and this is definitely a new path. 

Goal!!

I know, I haven't updated in 2 weeks.  Honestly, there isn't much to report going on or I just haven't felt like typing it out.  I'm not really sure which point I am at, but life is starting to look up.

I have been knitting like crazy and since it's one of my favorite activities then I am so glad to be able to do it!  I've worked on baby items and I will be starting Xmas items next week.  Going to the yarn still will be high on the priority list for next Friday as I will need to pick up a couple of bundles for happiness. :)

I'll be starting a new blog that I'm really excited about!  I've decided to start a blog about my dog Sadie.  She's quite comical and has a very interesting outlook on life.  I know I'll enjoy writing that blog as much as I enjoy writing in my own, but this will give me a chance to use my imagination a bit more.  I love it!

I can say that I am well on my way to my new list, new life, idea.  I am starting to become more honed in on what I would like to focus on and picking up dates to start these ideas.  I'm really thrilled to be able to work these ideas out and make them happen.  There is something really gratifying about completing a goal.

My first goal to complete is to finish signing up for school.  I have to go up to the counselors office (blah) to figure out what I have left so I can enroll for the next semester.  I'm planning on taking 2 classes because I've found that if I take 1 class then I tend to blow it off, but if I take 2 or more, then I work harder.  Weird how that happens huh?  Must be something about making sure my brain will explode to encourage studying.

My other goal is to start my Etsy shop back up, which I have set to launch again on January 1, 2011.  I feel this truly gives me an outlet for one of my passions and I need passion in my life...not just the bedroom kind, but passion within myself to inspire others or to give part of me for their life to be more beautiful.  Even something as simple as a handmade gift will make someone's life special because they will have picked out a beautiful item to bless that other person. 

Eventually, I would love to launch my own website, but I really feel that could be something to come around once I get this owning my own store under my belt.  Plus, I am planning on doing some travelling next year to promote this little venture so it should be a REALLY good time. :)

I think that about updates everything over the last two weeks.  I hope everyone's month is going swimmingly and I will be updating my knitting blog http://starseedstitches.blogspot.com/ with my new gifts!

Bummer

Bummer news today.  The job I applied for is no longer vacant so now I'm off to look for another position.  I am upset as I really am looking forward to moving into a new path in life, but everything happens for a reason.  I have always been a very firm believer in this theory and honestly, am rarely proved wrong. 

I am also going to use this to my advantage and get back to school asap, possibly move into a smaller apt, and work on my relationships here to make them fulfilling.  While this is a small setback, this is not a point where I will give up...at least, that's what I know I will feel tomorrow, but today I'm sticking with the bummed.